Strong and Courageous: ... letting go and letting them grow ...

School is back in session. Morgan is in 7th grade. Ryan is in 5th grade. Dani is now in 4th grade. Mia is 3 years old. Summer vacation was exciting and fun and busy. Now it's back to reality. Our last year here on Guam and I know this year is going to speed on by! As much as I am trying to slow the growth process of our children... somehow they continue to grow and grow and grow.

Labor day weekend was definitely fun for the boys. The girls & I pretty much stayed home all weekend trying to rest and recouperate. Dani caught the BACK TO SCHOOL GERMS and shared her cough with Mia & I. Thanks to our awesome neighbors - Pame/Jason/Jazzie, who took the boys biking, to church, out to eat on Saturday... then on Sunday took them to a bike race and then on Labor Day invited them hiking down to the Spanish Steps for some fun GUAM snorkeling and exploring! Keeping my boys busy every single day! THANK YOU THANK YOU!

This morning, I had a MOMMY MOMENT at our driveway where the bus picks up our kids. It's the first day of school for the Kindergarten kids. So today I prepped the kids to be extra helpful to the neighborhood kids on the bus who may be crying or sad on the long drive to school. My neighbor was at the bus stop, camera in hand, husband by her side and youngest playing in our yard... while her oldest, the Kindergartener played with little Mia - seemingly okay until the bus finally rolled up.

It all happened so quickly. Bus arrived. "Grab your bags... let's go!" Little guy froze - so Mom and Dad (and Ryan holding his little hand) walked across the street to help him get on the bus. All of them anxious, I'm sure. At that moment, it starts to drizzle. I can only see their feet at the opening of the bus door from where I'm standing. He wouldn't get on the bus, so mom walks him on - I'm wondering if she even took a picture of her little guy on the bus, I doubt it.... it's all too stressful, I'm sure of it. My heart brought me back to the days I dropped off my kids at school on their first day. Each of them crying for me... like I was ripping a limb off them. My heart remembers all too well! I remember wondering if the day would ever come when they wouldn't be so clingy. And thinking, "Seriously, why am I the only parent with kids who are crying so dramatically?"

Little sister was left on my side of the street this whole time her big brother was trying to get on the bus. She was so good. Mom & Dad were a little busy. It's a mommy code-thing that we MOM's instinctively understand. YOU just step in where needed. I wasn't going to let her out of my sight until she was safe in her mommy or daddy's arms. The bus leaves, the rain starts pouring. My friend grabs her daughter and with a quick glance I see that look in her eyes. Determined to be at the school before he gets off the bus. I tell her to take the back roads... she acknowledges and agrees. Her husband stops her long enough to give her a reassuring kiss, he seems so calm, before she rushes down the road in the rain.

FIRST DAYS of SCHOOL are a huge deal. It's a milestone for a child... and one for Mommy's too! Some jump up and down celebrating the few hours of freedom. Some worry and wonder if it's too early for them to start, will they be okay? Will they make friends? It takes awhile to get used to.... and then you blink for a second and in between the tears, the clinging and the reassuring talks... they slowly become independent - forgetting to give you a hug or a final kiss farewell. Excited to get to school. Then one day you reach that moment when you child accidentally calls you by their teachers name instead of "mommy". OUCH!

When Morgan started Montessori (Spanish Immersion) at 4 years old... he was very excited and brave. He walked in and I followed. It was only 1/2 days 5 days a week. I stopped at the door and he turned around and looked at me and said, "Come on, Mommy, let's go to school now - come in" With tears in my eyes I snapped that bottom photo of him looking at me with his half smile. I think he knew at that moment we were leaving him there for a few hours. He cried. I cried. The teachers had to hold him back from following me out the door. I could see him in the window crying and I just teared up! We drove off and Dale took this picture of me in the van. I can still feel the heaviness in my heart when I see this photo!

Ryan finger painted on his first day of school and said that he drew a BRAIN. What amazes me still
is that Ryan is able to still recite the Pledge of Allegiance in Spanish when he learned it at 4 years old!

Ryan started Montessori & was lucky because he always had big brother with him by his side. However, the first few days he did New Student Orientation without Mo & he also cried and sad to see us leave. He wanted big brother to come in. As you can see, Mo was still in his spider man pajamas in the van! I was a little stronger this time around, since I had just gone through this separation a year ago. It still broke my heart to see him crying for his big brother... he wanted his KUYA! The photo of us above... I can see Ry is trying to be brave in our mommy/son photo. Just before the picture was taken, he was crying, having to go in alone. He smiled despite his fear of crossing that bridge of independence! Obviously, I kept my sunglasses on so he wouldn't see the tears in my eyes, too!

Amazingly, to this day, Ryan still remembers the Pledge of Allegiance in Spanish (he looked at this and said it's a version of this one I found on the internet):

Juro fidelidad a la bandera
de los Estados Unidos de América,
y a la república que representa
una nación bajo Dios,
indivisible cón libertad
y justicía para todó

Daniella started school at 3 1/2. It was just preschool half-days, 3 days a week. But still a big deal! She was so clingy to me... cried hard but was also very strong-willed. The way she would look into my eyes and tear up still brings me to tears! I would walk her into class and every time she would hesitate, squeeze my hand and cry. And then another parent suggested I tried the car drop off line. I imagined the worst! I'd be in the drivers seat and she wouldn't get out of the car. But there was something about being the one to LEAVE and not feel LEFT that gave her a sense of control and independence.

6am Uncle Len skyped the kids on their 1st day of school
2010-2011 School Year on Guam

Dani confidently jumped out of the van. Walked right into the school without looking back. My mouth dropped open in amazement and I sat in my van and cried as I snapped a few photos of her walking away. Silly, right?! Her sudden independence surprised me and caught me off guard!

Mia is 3 and I'm keeping her home with me. Maybe at 4 I'll send her to school. Maybe I'll wait until she's 5 or 6. Maybe I'll homeschool her? I don't know. I'm holding on tight. Wishing and hoping that she will freeze at 3 years old. I LOVE THIS AGE! But the reality of it all is they all grow up! What a blessed life I have to be here when they need me or call on me. To focus on BEING the BEST MOMMY I can be!

Last week, when my kids had their first day of school. I found myself jumping in my car with little Mia in tow and racing to the school (still) to greet my kids getting off the bus and to make sure they got to their classes... to meet their teachers or at least say "hi". I know they would've been fine if I didn't show up. They're independent now. But those last kisses in the hallway were mostly for me, not them! Luckily, they didn't mind the extra LOVE. Turns out, my oldest needed me to sign some papers for him re: some classes... so it was a good thing I hung out for awhile. Ahh... to feel needed, even for a moment brought a smile to my face... only to watch my 7th grader walk down the hall without even a glance. I know he was late and anxious to get into class... all I could think in my head was, "mommy loves you sweetie... bye". And again I find myself in tears & heavy hearted just typing this.

Here's wishing all the little Kindergarteners at school a GREAT first day! I'm praying every day for our schools and the new/old friends that my kids encounter... praying that they will be an example, praying that they will be leaders and able to show GODS love through their actions and their reactions. I'm praying for our teachers, administrators, the entire school staff and even the grumpy bus driver that rarely smiles... I pray that he will bring our kids to school safely! I will pray specifically that he (the bus driver) will see our smiling faces and smile back. Little requests to God... just a smile, perhaps a wave of acknowledgement for reassurance!

To my friend Jen... from one Mommy to another... YOU DID FANTASTIC, stayed calm and reached this milestone! I can't wait to hear all about your day! Hoping Christopher loves his teacher and loves school! I hope that my kids were helpful on the bus. On the days off of school... we'll have to definitely get all the kiddos together for more fun playdates! Let our kids be kids... and for a moment freeze time!